As every person I have my downfalls. I am by no means perfect. I do my best to be the best that I can but at times it is definately hard. I have things I look back and wish man I really wish I wouldn't have done. There are things that I wish I would have stuck with longer, things that I would have learned sooner, things that I would have accomplished but that is all in the past. I do my best to live in the present but there are days that I float back to memory lane and it breaks my heart. It is hard to think man if I didn't do that I could do this now, or man if I didn't spend my money back then so foolishly I would be able to afford this. I know that I shouldn't do this but who can honestly say they never do this?
Something else that I definately have problems with lately is what others think of me. I let others critiques of me really get to me, to the point that I let it break me down and I start to believe that hey I really might be that horrible. I know I am not horrible but when you constantly are being put down and all you do is try, it starts to wear on you. Because I like to plan that makes me controlling, because I love that means I cross the line, because I don't take any disrespect it means I am crossing boundries that are not ment to be crossed.
I can honestly say that things in my life didn't turn out at all as I planned, honestly though who's life has turned out exactly the way the planned? Most days I love my life and those that are in it but there are days that I struggle. I realize that everything in my past has gotten me to my present and everything in the present is getting me to my future. It is hard to sit back and take a deep breath when it is needed. I will admit I am an emotional person and they get the best of me most of the time. I let words hurt me, I let actions break me down and most of all I believe everything that is said about me. Words hurt, who ever said they didn't are complete liars. I wish at times I were thicker skinned but at the same time I love the fact that I can wear my heart on my sleeve.
I can only imagine where I will go from here with all that I have learned, all that I am learning, and everything still left that I have to learn. Here's to the past that got me to my present, here's to living everyday to the fullest to get to my future. Here's to the future that I hope is better than I imagine.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
25 years later and here I am
After 21 there are not to many birthdays to look forward to, however, I really looked forward to my 25th birthday. I felt that 25 is not only a great number but you are a 1/4 of a decade old. To me this was a BIG deal to have made it this far!
I really put a big hype on this birthday and looking back I put pressure on Jamie which was so unfair. I was hoping for a big birthday party to celebrate this milestone. I regret putting so much pressure to have a big birthday. He did a fabulous job and while it wasn't what I originally wanted, I wouldn't change a thing about my birthday!
Friday (2 days until my birthday) He suprised me with a little get together dinner with one of my best friends Ashley her husband Troy their little ones, some more friends Josh and Day and their son and of course my little family of 5. It was perfect to say the least. We had dinner at a great mexican restraunt. Saturday I had to go to some school stuff unfortunately but I was able to be done early enough that I grabbed dinner with Jamie and the kids then went bowling which was so much fun! Pictures soon to come! After bowling I went out with Ashley and Crystal (who's birthday was the 24! Happy birthday girl!) and enjoyed some girl/mommy time over some margaritas. I woke up Sunday to a fabulous breakfast of doughnuts, yes I said it doughnuts people they are one of my favorites! After a quick shower we headed out to the exploration place for Jamie's work event (my thought was free fun!) and then headed to dinner with the entire family both sides!
Overall needless to say I should not have put so much stress on my birthday becasue in the end it turned out perfect. I learned so much this past couple of years about who I am and who I want in my life. I am thankful to have such a strong man who doesn't stand in front of or behind me, he stands next to me and helps me through the everyday struggles of life, he reminds me to smile and love unconditionally. I have three wonderful children who are the light of my life. Paco definately keeps me on my toes, Hailey is a little ray of sunshine and Maddison, well that girl is a little spit fire ball whom I love to pieces. I am thankful for the amazing family I am blessed with. Even though my friendship status has been rocky the past couple of years, I have found some fabulous women that I have so much in common with and support me in everything.
I am thankful for the life that I have. Honestly there isn't a thing I would change.
Thank you to those of you who wished me a good birthday and thanks to those of you who helped me celebrate my 25th birthday, you are my world and I love you all!
X.o. Nikki
I really put a big hype on this birthday and looking back I put pressure on Jamie which was so unfair. I was hoping for a big birthday party to celebrate this milestone. I regret putting so much pressure to have a big birthday. He did a fabulous job and while it wasn't what I originally wanted, I wouldn't change a thing about my birthday!
Friday (2 days until my birthday) He suprised me with a little get together dinner with one of my best friends Ashley her husband Troy their little ones, some more friends Josh and Day and their son and of course my little family of 5. It was perfect to say the least. We had dinner at a great mexican restraunt. Saturday I had to go to some school stuff unfortunately but I was able to be done early enough that I grabbed dinner with Jamie and the kids then went bowling which was so much fun! Pictures soon to come! After bowling I went out with Ashley and Crystal (who's birthday was the 24! Happy birthday girl!) and enjoyed some girl/mommy time over some margaritas. I woke up Sunday to a fabulous breakfast of doughnuts, yes I said it doughnuts people they are one of my favorites! After a quick shower we headed out to the exploration place for Jamie's work event (my thought was free fun!) and then headed to dinner with the entire family both sides!
Overall needless to say I should not have put so much stress on my birthday becasue in the end it turned out perfect. I learned so much this past couple of years about who I am and who I want in my life. I am thankful to have such a strong man who doesn't stand in front of or behind me, he stands next to me and helps me through the everyday struggles of life, he reminds me to smile and love unconditionally. I have three wonderful children who are the light of my life. Paco definately keeps me on my toes, Hailey is a little ray of sunshine and Maddison, well that girl is a little spit fire ball whom I love to pieces. I am thankful for the amazing family I am blessed with. Even though my friendship status has been rocky the past couple of years, I have found some fabulous women that I have so much in common with and support me in everything.
I am thankful for the life that I have. Honestly there isn't a thing I would change.
Thank you to those of you who wished me a good birthday and thanks to those of you who helped me celebrate my 25th birthday, you are my world and I love you all!
X.o. Nikki
Monday, July 26, 2010
The hardest part of growing up...
There is no garuntee in life to be happy 110% all the time. There will be downfalls and tribulations that shake even the strongest person. I have learned what it means to be strong and standing up for what you believe in. I also have learned that even though you apologize to someone doesn't mean they are going to do the same. Growing up tends to be unnecessarily challenging at times. Even though I have felt like giving up a time or two I have learned that does no good. You have to strive on and be strong. All the trials and tribulations build character. They help you become who you will be, they show you that no matter what you can come through any storm no matter how bad the weather maybe.
No one said that growing up was going to be easy, infact it is just simply the opposite. In grade school I learned what it ment to be teased for being different. If you know me, if you truly knew me, you would know that I was the chubby little girl who had to wear not only eye glasses but I also had to wear a patch. Do you know the kind of names kids come up with for those who are different? Little kids can be cruel but it only gets worse. In highschool you get your first taster of bitter drama. There is a whole new crowd of people to try to fit in with and while I may not have had the eye patch I certainly wasn't the skinny minnie, I didn't fit in with the "popular" crowd. However I found my niche in a few good friends that still to this day I have contact with most.
As an adult the trials that we face only get stronger and they snarl their ugly teeth at you trying to break down the very person you are. The friends get even fewer and far between. You learn what you want in your friendships and you tolerate no less than the best. You want to surround yourself with those that love you unconditionally and that are there for you no matter what. The world is very cut throat and you learn you don't have time to deal with the petty drama that the world brings. They say life is a bitch and that you just have to deal with it. How true this sentance is.
I have come to realize who I am and what I need. I have also come to realize what I don't need in my life and I have seperated myself from it. Life is not fair sometimes, sometimes you just have to let the tears flow even though deep down you feel to strong, to proud to do so. Sometimes it is just better to cry get it out and move on to tomorrow because no matter what there is always a new tomorrow. The hope that tomorrow will be better than today, and for me that's worth living for. I may have lost the battle today, but that doesn't mean that the war is lost. Life is a everyday battle but until you give up the war is not yet lost. So next time you get knocked to your feet and don't want to get up, just realize that is not an option. You are far to strong to stay there in the dirt, rather get up, brush yourself of and look forward to tomorrow.
X.o.Nikki
No one said that growing up was going to be easy, infact it is just simply the opposite. In grade school I learned what it ment to be teased for being different. If you know me, if you truly knew me, you would know that I was the chubby little girl who had to wear not only eye glasses but I also had to wear a patch. Do you know the kind of names kids come up with for those who are different? Little kids can be cruel but it only gets worse. In highschool you get your first taster of bitter drama. There is a whole new crowd of people to try to fit in with and while I may not have had the eye patch I certainly wasn't the skinny minnie, I didn't fit in with the "popular" crowd. However I found my niche in a few good friends that still to this day I have contact with most.
As an adult the trials that we face only get stronger and they snarl their ugly teeth at you trying to break down the very person you are. The friends get even fewer and far between. You learn what you want in your friendships and you tolerate no less than the best. You want to surround yourself with those that love you unconditionally and that are there for you no matter what. The world is very cut throat and you learn you don't have time to deal with the petty drama that the world brings. They say life is a bitch and that you just have to deal with it. How true this sentance is.
I have come to realize who I am and what I need. I have also come to realize what I don't need in my life and I have seperated myself from it. Life is not fair sometimes, sometimes you just have to let the tears flow even though deep down you feel to strong, to proud to do so. Sometimes it is just better to cry get it out and move on to tomorrow because no matter what there is always a new tomorrow. The hope that tomorrow will be better than today, and for me that's worth living for. I may have lost the battle today, but that doesn't mean that the war is lost. Life is a everyday battle but until you give up the war is not yet lost. So next time you get knocked to your feet and don't want to get up, just realize that is not an option. You are far to strong to stay there in the dirt, rather get up, brush yourself of and look forward to tomorrow.
X.o.Nikki
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